you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
