I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
