Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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