Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
