One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize