my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
