i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
