we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
