My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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