Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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