I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
