Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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