I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
