Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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