Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
