Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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