Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
