Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
