i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
