Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
