I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
