The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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