I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
