did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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