I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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