Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The power of my boobs compel you
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
