next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
