Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
