i just had sex bonerless
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
