I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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