don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
