my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
