Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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