Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
how does that bad decision feel?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
