i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
