I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
