My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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