She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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