My friends, they love my intelligence
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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