I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
