Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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