Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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