its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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