i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
