hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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