Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
