My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
