Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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