I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And then my night got REAL pukey
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
