I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
