you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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