Im at strip club and am horny
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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