Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
