apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
