someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize