Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
